A Pirates Life For Me
by Kate Van Helsing
Summary: Forge's exiperiments YET AGAIN malfunction and make life difficult for poor, poor Kurt. This time by blasting him back in space and time. Pirates of the Caribbean crossover. Summary sucks. PLEASE REVIEW! All flames will be used to keep Pyro busy.
1. Ahoy, Maties!

Hiya! It's me again! I was originally going to wait until N was done to write this, but why wait? I'll just have to do two stories at once, no big. Forge goes berzerk and Kurt, always Forge's poor victim, is sucked into Tortuga with an amorous barmaid! This is gonna get insane. Drink up me 'earties, YO HO!

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It finally happened. Forge went evil genius. He had even devised a diabolical scheme to take over the world! Travel back in time, use superior technology to get those primitive knucle draggers to submit to his will, rule the world. Genius. GENIUS I SAY! All he needed was his evil genius white lab coat and goggles and he would be in business. Luckily it was Halloween so no one would think he was a fruit loop.

He began building the timemachine a gear here, a flux capacitor there, and of course tons of paper clips and duct tape everywhere. Hey, that's how you build a machine! Finally, it was done. He sat back and wiped away a tear for the wonderful creation of his baby.

It looked like the bastard love child ofsomethingfrom Cooter's garage in Dukes of Hazzard and a fourth grader's F- winning science fair project. How the heck someone can get an F- is beyond me.

Forge crept nearer to his machine. This was it. GLOBAL DOMINATION WAS HIS! "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Forge was getting pretty good at the evil laugh. He was gloating over it when Kurt walked in dressed in full on pirate garb. Thanks to some secondary shape-shifting powers from Mystique, he could now turn him self into his holographic form without an image inducer. He couldn't turn into anything else, just his human form and back to his good old blue self. Mostly because the authress is too lazy to go into a plot involving keeping his image inducer on.

"Ahoy, matey!" he yelled scaring the golly gee willikers out of Forge, "What ye be makin' there?"

Forge stuttered. Oh no. His plans of world takeover were ruined! "Uh, nothing buddy! Groovy costume!"

Kurt grinned, "Thank ye, lad! Me made it m'self. Now really," He went back to his regular voice, "What's this gizmo do?" He creeped closer to touch it.

"AUGH! DON'T!" Too late! Kurt disappeared in a flash of white light.

Forge covered his eyes. Ho, boy, if he didn't want the X-Men to kill him he'd better head to Shanghai.When he opened his eyes, Kurt was gone and the machine was fried. The only thing he could see was the time and place he had planned to go to: Tortuga, Carribean; October 31, 1705.

Kurt was rushing through space and time so fast Quicksilver would need steroids to even eat his dust. Finally another wormhole opened and Kurt broke on through to the other side.

He landed gracefully in a huge puddle of water. _Oh, brilliant._ He looked around. Where was he? He looked around at his lovely surroundings.

There were brigands and "loose women" and all sorts of outlaws and no goods. Some were shooting, most were drinking, all were having a ball. He wasn't noticed since he luckily landed behind a tavern. His dreams had come true! HE WAS A REAL PIRATE!He walked out in front of it and looked at the sign. In red paint it had "_The Golden Doubloon_" scrawled on top and, surprise surprise, a painting of a golden doubloon under it.

_I'm in a pirate town. Sweet._ He had no money but by the looks of things, no one would notice or care if he stole some.

Grabbing some poor drunk sucker's moneybag, Kurt waltzed up to the bar and sat down, looking at the choices of alchohol up for his thirsty pleasure. Most of it seemed to consist of rum. A'ight! This was going to be fun. A fat old bartender was about to take his order when a small 14-year-old pirate girl who looked to be Italian jumped up and knocked him out with a bottle of whiskey.

"No ye don't! This lad's MINE!" She looked at Kurt with a huge insane happy grin on her face. "Good evenin' luv! I'm Kate Van Helsing, female pirate extrordinaire! I just work here part time! Can I get you anything? Beer, rum, massage?"

"What was that last one!" he asked scared out of his mind.

"Rum?"

"Mm hm." Not convinced. "I'll just have a bottle of rum, thank you."

She smiled that crazy smile again, "Alright, lad! 'Ow 'bout some o' the good stuff? On the house..." The fat bartender miraculously woke up, "'Ey! That stuff's esspe'sive! Ye can't go givin' it aways for free!" WHACK!. Another bottle of whiskey met its doom on the concussed man's head.

She looked at him angrily, "SHATTAP!" She turned to Kurt, "Right, mate! A bottle o' the good stuff comin' right up!

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I know, short, but I'm just getting started! And what do I plan to do with Kurt? (Grins evilly.) Any reviews, including flames, make the world go 'round!


	2. Jack Sparrow and Drunk Pirates!

Last time I checked, I had no reviews. (I'm so unloved!) For Pete's sake, JACK SPARROW is gonna guest-star!(pout)Anyways, this chapter is when blue-boy gets a tad too much rum down his throat and a whole lot of other stuff from the deepest nethers of my brain! (I need professional help, don't I?) OH, WELL! The song Yo Ho was written by a dude named Xavier O.o.Written while wearing Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon jammies. Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

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Kurt had never had rum before. Oh, sure, he got more drunk on beer than a Texan at a wedding occasionally, but rum was a new experience. He looked at the bottle with slight fear. He glanced at Kate. She was staring at him with that insane smile still on her face. Gulp. Well, he asked for it.

Kurt was about to chug down the container of red lightening when a pirate who hadn't taken a bath in eight years ran in screaming like a little girl. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S HIM! HE'S COME BACK! THE BLASTED SOB'S COME BACK!" With that he passed out on the floor. Kate jumped over the bar and kicked him. "Yeah, 'e's out. Wonder 'oo 'e was talkin' 'bout."

"Kati! Tell me you 'aven't forgotten about your old uncle Jack, luv!" Kurt looked at who had spoken. It was a very well built man around late his thirties looking like a pirate king. Everyone hushed before they started cheering.

"Jack! We thought you was dead! You're still 'live after goin' for the _Black Pearl_? Wen' arfter it? 'E bloody caught it! That's Jack Sparrow for ye!" Jack Sparrow! Kurt read about him, this was his favorite pirate ever! Kate looked mad. Not insane mad like earlier, furious mad. She walked up to him with a fake smile on her face.

SMACK!

She smacked him so hard his face turned round. Kurt glared at Kate, "Now, what you do that for!" Jack turned back around rubbing his cheek, "No, I deserved that."

"YEAH, YE BLOODY WELL DID! YE OWE ME 20 POUNDS SOLID GOLD YE SON OF A BITCH!" Kate was like a pint-sized ball of pure fury and her face was red as she contiued yelling words a girl her age shouldn't say but do anyway. Kurt just stared bug-eyed and no one else in the establishment even noticed.

Jack attempted to smooth talk his way out of a pounding, "I've got it, luv! It's on me ship! Ye didn't think we just took the bloody vessel and left the booty now, savvy?"

At the mention of "booty" Kate's face lit up like a Christmas tree light. She grabbed Kurt around the waist, "Ye 'ear that, luv? I'm gettin' me dues paid FINALLY!"

The pub's drunk and rowdy crowd had now been replaced with Jack's even more drunk and rowdy crew. Kate was smiling from ear to ear crazily. She still had a death grip on Kurt who was scared of her. "'Ey, maties! Ye know what a moment like this needs? FREE RUM!"

Five minutes and five hundred bottles of rum later...

(Jack, Kate, And Kurt on on table, the rest on other tables, chairs, or the bar, waving around partially filled bottles, drunken dancing, and singing loud and proud!) "YO HO YO HO A PIRATE"S LIFE FOR ME!

WE PILLAGE, PLUNDER, RIFLE, AND LOOT

DRINK UP ME 'EARTIES YO HO

WE KIDNAP AND RAVAGE AND DON'T GIVE A HOOT

DRINK UP ME 'EARTIES YO HO

YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!..."

They went on through the whole song dancing around yelling, shooting at the roof, and basically living out every person's dream. Kurt and Kate were swinging on the chandelier, Jack was dancing like Billy Ray Cyrus who didn't exist yet, and the others were having a ball. Pirate party! Shouts of "YO HO!" and "I LOVE THIS BLOODY SONG!" echoed through the _Golden Doubloon_ as the wild party for no other reason than free rum went on through the night.


	3. Bloody Norrington

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! REVIEWS! I luv u 2, who ever you are! Right, still being written in my infamous Pink Floyd jammies, so this will get pretty nuts. I got rid of the anonymous reviews blocker, and to be honest, I didn't know the sumbitch was there in the first place. Anyone can now review! (please do)What ta write, what ta write, Navy arrests! Yes, very good... This will begin with Forgy boy in China. Dear LAWD. To Jerry Bruckheimer, the owner of Austin Powers, Stan Lee, and William Shatner: PLEASE DON'T SUE! ME NO OWN WHAT YOU MADE UP! Grazie. Drink up me 'earties yo ho!

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Forge had gone to Shanghai to escape the X-Man's wrath. Or tried to. The X-Copter crashed in some podunk little bamboo forest and knocked him out. He awoke to a bunch of weirdly dressed people chanting in some language that was not Mandarin or Cantonese, as Forge knew them both. It was, in fact the language of the little known cannibalistic tribe in southern China known as the Kling-gons!

"LEMME GO YOU _STAR TREK_ RIP-OFFS!" he yelled showing off his metal arm. They stepped back in awe. An old lady walked up to him with paint all over her and no shirt, think about that and try to sleep tonight, and shouted, "Yee ya, walla walla bing bang, oprah, dotter fill, bling, blang, yibba yabba, SHAZAM! You are now married to my daughter, Fook Mi."

Blink blink, "Escuse moi?" All of a sudden a _well built_ teenage Chinese girl in few garments came running pell mell and glomped him.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HUBBY! WIFEMAKEYOUSOSOHAPPYYYYYYYYY!"

The last thought that went through Forge's head before passing out was, "Why me, Lord!" Klunk.

And that was the fate that befell poor, poor Forge.

IN COLONIAL TORTUGA...

Kurt's head hurt something awful. Looking down he had no shirt and his boots were off. He looked to his right. Kate was clinging to his arm asleep with a big smile on her face. What had he done last night?

She woke up all of a sudden and hugged him so tight he turned purple. "'Ello, luv! 'Ad a good nap?"

"What the #& did we do last night!" he asked fearfully. She laughed.

"Aw, we din' do nuthin', luv! Ye wouldn' lemme gi' anywheres, even drunk as ye were. Ye 'n' me's still virgins. Ah' lease I be. Wot about ye? Girl ever rock yor boat?"

"NEIN!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! East there, mate!Mos' boy's'd say they did even if theys never! I knew ye was un anyways. Yor too inn'cent lookin'. Oh, well. Tha' means yor all mine! Ooh, me 'ead!" she said with a maniacal grin.

_Dear Lord, HELP ME!_ Kurt thought. This girl was a psycho! She got closer, trying to kiss him when Jack Sparrow walked in totally necked.

Kate: O.OAUGH, JACK!

Kurt quickly covered her virgin eyes to keep them from burning out, "COVER UP, MAN! SHE'S A MINOR!"

Jack held his forhead and swooned, "Sorry, mate. 'M a lil' 'ung-o'er an' woke u' wi' Anamaria nex' a me an' cahn't fine me clothes. Ye seen 'im?"

Kurt shook his head, deeply disturbed. Mental scars later on? Prob'ly.

Jack shrugged, "Ah, well. Me effects'll show u' soon. 'll jus' be slurrin' an' bare 'til ay do, savvy?"

The pirate captain staggered off, people screaming or whistling as they saw him. Kate's eyes being uncovered, she looked at Kurt. "I don't know about ye, but I's be stayin' away from rum for awhile." She sounded much more sober. But then again that sight would have sobered up Barney from the Simpson's. (Which I also don't own, no suing me.)

"Me too, Kate, me too."

A few hours, and much searching for clothes, later, most of Jack's crew were at the inn next door and the fearsome threesome were sitting on the bar, bored.

Jack, of course, spoke first, "Bloody 'ell, cahn't we at least go raid a ship or something? Me brains is dripping out of me ears!"

Kate sighed, "Jackie luv, A: you 'ave no brains so they ain't drippin' out yor ears; B: ye got enough treasure to last a lifetime. Ye and yor crew should just retire. Face it, luv, unless ye develope a heart an' donate yor share o' the treasure to some saloon girl or a church, ye cahn't be a pirate no more, savvy?" she said with a wicked smile.

"Shut up."

The same hygiene challengened pirate,that cameoed in chaptertwo of this ridiculous romp through time, and who shall now be known as the Dread PirateScreamy or DPS,burst through the doors screaming and hollering yet again.

Jack, Kurt, and Kate looked at him bored. "Wot _now_?" Kate asked.

DPS was shaking and paleand finally yelled out, "THE NAVY'S A COMIN'!" before again passing out in the middle of the pub.

Outside the trio could see a man who looked suspiciously like a Mardi Gras float marching in front of a legion of soldiers. Jack's eyes bugged out and he started sweating and figiting. Sameas Kate.

"Aw, bloody 'ell." Jack whispered. "Not 'im."

Kurt was confused, "Who is that man?"

"Commodor James Norrington of the Royal Britsh Navy hisself. Rumor 'as it 'e's taken down as many hones' pirates as 'e's got frills on 'is shirt. We are gonna die... Wait, since when do I surrender? Bloody 'ell, if me dad could get through the Navy dressed as a woman, so cahn I! Come on, time to make proper ladies out of you two." Gulp.

Norrington was sweeping the town looking for Sparrow. The man got away once but this time he was going to hang on a short rope and Elizabeth and Will wouldn't know a thing. He stopped in front of _The Golden Doubloon_, the infamous bar every Navy man would love to take a torch to. Rum runners, the lot of them. Jack was here, he knew it, even if every other pirate had fled to the jungles to escape, and he'd let them go.

Stepping over an unconscious and _lovely_ smelling pirate, he and three men searched through the bar for Sparrow. One nameless man opened a door to find, "AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!"

Three women, two in veils, were strangely clad and extremly peeved. The unveiled girl spoke first, "'Ow dare you, sir! A member of the Navy looking in on a lady! For shame!" She slapped him across the face. Norrington walked up.

"Now wot is this all about... OH! Begging yor pardons, miss, miss, and miss." The second smallest spoke in a strangly gruff voice and a German accent, "I should say so! I have never been so offended! I should have stayed home in Germany and not have to deal with horrid men, peeping in on me all the time! Hpf!" 'She' turned on her heel and faced the wall.

"Yeah! Watch where yor looking next time, savvy?" Said the largest in a very harsh voice that sounded familiar. Norrington stared, then smiled. "Mr. Sparrow, I believe I have finally caught you."

"Damn it Jack!" Kate yelled stripping off her disguise and pushing the boys to the door as they were doing the same.

"Sorry luv," he apologized, trying to look remorseful and failing.

The trio made it outside to find a lovely troop of 50 Navy men with guns pointed at them.

Kurt stared wide-eyed, "Oh, bloody hell."


	4. Being Marooned Sucks, Don't It?

AHOY, ME FELLOW MANIACS! Yay! A new review! Thank ye so much, mates! Not quite sure wot's goin' te 'appen in this liddle a'venture o' mine, but it's goin' te be silly an' weird accordin' te th' fact I jus' seen _And Now For Something Completely Different_. Methinks ye'll laugh, snort, wonder wot I be on, an' seriously want sum. Hee hee, ME LIKE RUM! Ahem, sorry 'bout that, luvs. Me owns nothin'. Not th' spray o' th' sea, nor th' wind on me face, nor th' warmth of sweet rum. Let us begin! Th' men in white coats ain't got me yet! (twitch) DRINK UP ME 'EARTIES YO HO!

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Kurt was dragged away, praying, Jack tried to talk his way out of trouble, and Kate cursed and said unlady-like things until Gilette gagged her wiiiith...A HERRING! Well, fishing rope used to get herring. They were marched up to the _Dauntless_, not feeling so dauntless.

Norrington was smiling evilly and inside he was doing the Watusi. He had caught Jack Sparrow, what he assumed to be his son, and a bar wench who looked to be in league with them. Life was good. Oh, he could just hear that promotion now. There would be a huge necktie party in Port Royal tonight!

Wait, he couldn't have Turner or Elizabeth finding out! Damn. What to do, what to do... maybe he could pry them for information on the whereabouts of Captain Broom and the heiress Nancy Kington! Double promotion! _Norrington, you sly dog_, he thought.

He walked to the girl first and removed the herring rope. "You, bar wench..." She kicked him where the sun don't shine.

"'Oo are ye callin' a bar wench ye pathetic excuse fer a tar!" she spat, only being held back by the irons Gilette had slapped on her.

_Well, guess there'll never be a James Jr._ he thought holding his crotch in pain. The men swarmed around and chucked the trio in the brig. Gilette ran up with a towel soaked in cold water, "Come on now, show Gilly where it hurts!"

"No. Just give me the towel." Gilette pouted and did as he was told. He was _so_ unappreciated.

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Down in the brig, the prisoners were laughing their heads off. Jack spoke first, as usual.

"AHAHAHAHAHA! I din't even know there was anything down there to gi' 'urt in th' first place!"

Kurt snorted, " I know! I never thought I'd meet a person more uptight than Mag-, I mean this guy I know, but damn; girl, that was priceless!"

Kate was immensely flattered, "Why, thank ye, lads! Nice te know I'm loved." She scooted closer to Kurt, "Now then, 'ow long do ye think we'll be down 'ere?"

That insane look was back. Kurt was just a wee bit frightened, "Now, Kate, this is not appropriate..."

"Come on, luv! Noone's lookin'! 'Cept _Jack_ but 'e don't mind! Jus' a liddle kiss?"

Blink blink, "That's all you want?"

"Yeah, mate. Wot ya think... oh," she blushed and giggled, "_Now_ I see why yez was so nervous 'rounds me! I ain't like that! So, with _that_ out o' th' way, will ye kiss me _now_?" Pout.

He looked at Jack who rolled his eyes and covered them with his bandana, "See? Not lookin'. Gi' on wit' it."

Kate grinned, "No excuses!" There was no escape. He might as well give up. After all, he'd never kissed a girl before...

Immenent doom was coming, Kurt closed his eyes and wondered why only psycho chicks liked him. "You, prisoners! The Commodore wants a word!" Saved by the eunuch.

They trudged up the stairs and looked at the magestic Commodore. Well, he _would_ have been majestic if the front of his pants weren't soaking wet with cold water. The three pirates bold held in giggles.

The mighty Commodore scowled, "Wot's so damn funny?"

"Nuttin', Commodore. No need to _wet your pants!_ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kate couldn't hold it in. Neither could the boys as they joined in. Eventually, everyone on the _Dauntless_ were laughing at Norry's wet pants.

As usual, the Commodore was scowling, "I hate the bloody lot of you..."

After the laughing fit sudued, which took as long as Norry's pants had to dry, the crew looked at the outlaw folks and the Commy, wondering what he was going to do to them. James Norrington thought. These rogues had to be punished severly, laughing at him, making his crew laugh, kicking him in the nethers. Honestly, the knaves.

Ah, yes. It was brilliant. The gruesome twosome Will and Liz, _Sniff, we would have been so happy together_, would never guess a thing!

"Jack Sparrow, son, and bar wench..."

"HEY!"

"... I sentence you three to marooning on Isla de Cannibala for the rest of your miserable lives! Who's laughing now! Ha ha!"

He looked so smug at least eight people wanted to smack him in the water, most especially our three heroes. But, there was nothing they could do about it.

Poor Gilette was confused, "But, don't only pirates do that?"

Insert anime fall here, "If we don't want Turner and She-Turner to find out about this and kill us we have to do something they wouldn't expect, you twit!"

Gilette burst into tears and Norry was immedietly sorry, "I'm sorry, there there, I didn't mean it, Gilly, you know you're my favorite officer, who's my favorite officer? Huh? Who is he?"

Gilette wiped away his tears and gave a small smile, "Me?"

"That's right my widdle..."

_Oh, Lord Almighty, I'm gonna be sick _was the most common thought on board. The pirates were gagging.

"Mein Gott, make them STOP." Kurt groaned in agony. Eventually they _did_ stop going on each other like a mum and her toddler and the pirates were chucked overboard. Irons and such having been removed of course.

Jack was mad, "Couldn't you 'ave at least lef' me my effects!" The captain's effects were tossed over, hitting him in the head.

"Bloody Navy..."

They swam to the island, after Jack made sure his effects were all there, and sat, watching the _Dauntless_ sail away, the entire crew singing _In the Navy_.

Kate ran three feet in the water, "YE BLITHERING SCUM! YE SONS O' BITCHES! COME BACK 'ERE AND TAKE WOTS COMIN' TO YE! BRING ALL YE GOT! I'LL BLOW YE ALL TA KINGDOM COME!"

Jack dragged her back uncerimoniously, "Now is _not_ the time, luv. Save for when ye can actually do some damage to those Navy dogs."

Kurt sat on the beach, thinking. He'd been sucked into a pirate town, got totally wasted on rum, woke up next to a lunatic, caught and arrested by a Commodore with strong maternal instincts, and marooned on an island with a rock star pirate and the loony bin reject. Yippy.

Kate ran up sobbing in his chest, "WAAAAAAAH! OH, KURT! WE BIN MAROONED AN' WE DON'T EVEN 'AVE A PISTOL WI' A SHOT! WE'RE GOIN' TE DIE OUT 'ERE AN' NO ONE'LL EVEN CARE! WE'RE GOIN' TA..."

Kate looked down and saw a green bottle full of that certain red liquid we all know and love. "'EY! RUM!"


	5. Jack Is Being Naughty, Bad Jack!

I've got rum, hee hee! Rum, rum, it's lots of fun, especially when it's in my tum! Rum, rum, it's lot's of fun, it knocks out wusses on their bums! WHEEEEEEEEE HEE HEE! Our three heroes bold (or three pirates drunk) are cruelly marooned by Commodore Norry and don't even have a pistol with a shot! How dare he... _Anywho_, I hope you scallywags enjoy this chapter in this ol' yarn and don't think I should go down to see Old Hob. (whoever that is) THIS CHAPTER HAS RUM! YAY!Review or face the wrath of pirate ninja rubber duckies! I have connections! Drink up me 'earties yo ho!

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"MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!" Kate and Jack were overjoyed at the sight of a whole cache of rum. This time there was no blond bitch to burn it all! They ran in, looking for certain brands and ages. Hey, rum's an art.

At first, Kurt was reluctant to get any, he remembered the _last_ time he had drunk that stuff. But the red drink called to him. It calls to thee. That's rum for ya! He gave in and jumped in the room, thirst for rum winning over. He had to forget he was alone with two psychopaths _somehow_.

A few minutes of chugging down that good ole pirate drink and they were all singing (with Kurt leading, duh) Don McLean's _American Pie_ so loud people in China started singing, regardless of whether the song existed back then. But, who cares?

_Bye, bye, Miss American Pie,_

_Drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was dry,_

_And them good ol' boys was drinkin' whiskey and rye_

_Singin' this'll be the day that I die, this'll be the day that I die...!_

The drunks fell on the beach, happily drunk for the first time since chapter two. Kate fell asleep first, much to Kurt's relief, but Jack and him stated up since their systems could handle alchohol better (Germany's drinking age is sixteen, those lucky bastards...). It got boring just sitting, so Jack, of course, tried to stir up conversation, "So, lad, where ye from? Europe?"

Kurt nodded, "Ja, Munich, Germany."

"Really? 'Ow'd ye get here then."

Kurt sighed,"Long story, and you wouldn't believe it. I barely believe it."

Jack shrugged, "Works fer me. 'Ey, why don't you jus' let Kate 'ave 'er way with ye? She's cute, she obviously likes you, you could do with a lay..."

Kurt: O.O WOAH! I DID **_NOT_** NEED TO HEAR THAT! She's all right and everything, but she's _crazy!_

Jack looked at him, "Methinks I seez your point. But still, you've got to stop being a virgin and just..."

KLUNK.

Kurt passed out flat. Jack leaned over and waved his arms over the boy's face to see if he was really unconscious. He was. Jack kicked back on the beach with his hands behind his neck and a smile on his face.

"Works _every_ time..."

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Sorry for the short chapter but I really gotta go. The overlords bekon.That's what I get workin' two shifts. Do you have the courage and fortitude to stay true to this story in the face of danger and almost certain death? Hope so. JACK IS EVIL! But cool.See ya!


	6. BUSTED!

No reviews so far for the last chapter. WAAAAAH! Don't you love me at ALL! (sniff) OH, WELL! More craziness is on the way and Jack has a plan to get off the island! (Oh, Lord Almighty, help us now.) Will they get off the island? Will Kurt get back to his own time? _**Will I get anounce of sanity!**_ Find out in this chapter of my retarded adventure of rum and chaos! Drink up me 'earties yo ho!

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Day 8 on Isla de Cannibala. The terrible trio were still on a strait rum drinking party binge and had no signs of stopping. That was until...

"IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND HOLY, ALL THE RUM'S GONE! NOOOOOOOO -gasp- OOOOOOOOOO!" Jack's blood-curdling scream split the air.

Kurt (trying to avoid the hormonely-overactive Kate) was the first on the scene, "Jack, what do you mean all the rum's gone?." He looked down at the empty cache, "OH, GOOD LORD! SAY IT AIN'T SO!" He dropped to his knees in utter shock. Not the rum! Anything but the rum! Rum, all the delicious rum! GONE! Kate just sat down and cried bitterly.

Kurt stood up and solemnly recited a prayer for the lost rum. Jack took off his hat, held it to his chest, and closed his eyes in reverence of the lifeblood of all pirates. Kate walked in the cache for one last look at what once had sustained the three alkies (alchoholics) for one week of bliss. She memorized every sight, smell, even thetaste in the air.

Eyes closed, she accidently kicked something glass and full of some liquid. Could it be? She walked over, picked it up, opened it, and inhaled a sweet, familiar aroma.

"The last bottle," she softly whispered.

Kurt and Jack: Amen.

Jack: What's that you say?

Kate quickly put the bottle behind her back, "Nothing, Cap. Just uh, just uh..." She crept out of the cache keeping the bottle behind her back and her back out of sight of the two men.

Jack narrowed his eyes, "Wot's that be'ind yer back?"

She got a crazy look in her eyes and held the rum to her chest protectively, "IT'S MINE, YE HEAR ME! ALL _MINE!_" She ran off cackling madly with Jack chasing her.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE #$&!#$$$! I'M GONNA #$$#$&#$&&$#!"

Kurt chased after them, hoping to subdue the fight he knew was coming. When he caught up with th rum mad pirates, the rum bottle had somehow fallen between them and they each were twenty feet away from it, staring at eachother.

A breeze blew through. A tumbleweed carried by it swept between the two outlaws. The "Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" theme plays. Although neither of the two carry guns, Kurt ducks behind a palm tree.

They stare each other down. Off in the distance, a rattler rattles. These descriptions are getting annoying, ain't they? Out of nowhere, Jack lets out a warcry worthy of a Valhallan valkyrie, warrior _women,_ and charges for the bottle. Kate lets out a whoop and does the same. A seagull cries out and snatches the bottle and the two would be Jesse James's crashed into one another. BONG!

Kurt winced. _That_ had to hurt! Jack and Kate stumbled around holding their noses for a few seconds and then fell. Kurt walked over to them to see how bad they were hurt, and tried not to laugh.

Kate was fine, a little blood, but fine. Jack was in the same condition as Kate, but whinier. Pleased that no one was hurt bad, the mutant went to find a tree to sit under, humming _Margharitaville_. Kate followed him.

Kurt didn't notice her until he heard her running at him. His instincts shouted at him to run like hell, and he obeyed. Screaming like a banshee, our favorite blue teleportershot off at speeds to match Quicksilver. Why did she need to be attracted to _him_ of all people. She was a warped Mary Sue. Heck, she could even be a dreaded _Becky Jo._

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extract from Webster's Dictionary/

Becky Jo: _n_: an OC who is interested or connected to a character in a movie, tv show, etc like a Mary Sue, only instead of being angsty, aBecky Jois a psychopath and lives by a get-yer-man-by-_any_-means-neccessary credo: hilarious to some readers, terrifying to the character in question

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We now continue with our originally scheduled fanfic.

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Kurt ran blindly, hearing Kate in the distance. He had to get away! Anything but life with a Becky Jo! He whispered the swimming song from _Finding Nemo_. _Just keep running, just keep running, just keep running running running, what do we do, we run run RUN!_ He was so intent on getting away, he didn't notice the tree in front of him. KRASH!

Kate stopped chasing Kurt and looked at the unconscious X-Man. Notat the fact he was unconscious, but at what was _happening_ to him. Although she and no one in this time knew it, after so many knock-outs, Kurt can't hold his human shape and shifts back to his good ole blue furry self. Kate watched bug-eyed as Kurt's fingers and toes fused, fangs grew, tail crept out of his spine, ears sharpened, etc.

Jack came over to pry Kate off Kurt after his (small) conscious told him to help the poor kid. No one deserves to be left at the mercy of a Becky Jo. He saw Kate staring at the now true blue fuzzball, and froze.

"Geez, girl, wot ye do te 'im!"


	7. He can WHAT!

New reviews! Thanks, people! WOO HOO! YOU ROCK! The pirates know Kurt's blue and fuzzy, oh boy. And what's worse, MARY SUES ARE COMING! RUN FOR THE HILLS! Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

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Jack and Kate looked at the blue-cute-fuzzy-elf version of Kurt. They were completely O.O.

**Jack**: _scoots away from Kate-_ Alright, you voodoo witch, uh, ye ain't gonna do that to old Uncle Jack, now are ye? -_looks nervously at Kurt_

**Kate**: _gets evil ideas floating through her little noggin-_ Maybe I won't...

**Jack**: _hopefully-_ You won't turn me? -_mmm, Johnny Depp with puppy-eyes..._

**Kate**: If provided with a sacrifice!

**Jack**: _grovelling adorably as only Jack can-_ Yes, oh Exquisite Mistress?

**Kate**: _rubs hands together oh so evilly_ You will get me something to eat right now. I'd prefer somethin' sweet. Now go.

**Jack**: _mumbling_ Woteveh, ye hateful wench...

**Kate**: Wot was that?

**Jack**: Nothin' oh Great Queen.

**Kate**: It better not have been.

She watches Jack leave and turns her attention to poor defenseless Kurt.

**Kate**: _cackles evilly_ 'Ello, poppet, ye're still a 'andsome youg lad, blue an' all...

**Kurt**: _wakes up groggily-_ Uh... Was ist das...? -_sees Kate-_ AUGH! NEIN! BACK YOU MENACE! -_teleports ten feet back_

**Kate**: -BLINK BLINK- Er, heh heh, wot was that? -_has that crazy happy look people get when they're really ticked_

**Kurt**: Um, well, you see, I can, can...

**Jack**: 'Ey, they sweetest I could find was these bloody coconuts... -_sees Kurt_- AUGH! IT'S BLOODY ALIVE! Put it back to sleep Kate! -_sobs pathetically but cutely and grabs on to her ankle_

**Kurt**: Gee, nice to know I'm loved.

**Kate**: -_still ticked_- Don' even try it. Jack, ye know wot this moron just did an' didn' even tell us 'e could do? 'E can move from place to bloody place in the blink of a bloody eye!

**Jack**: _-detatches himself from Kate's leg-_ Ye can?

**Kurt**: _-nervously-_ Um, ja. Heh, heh...

**Jack**:_ -very calmly-_ Ye mean we got arrested and marooned fer nothin'?

**Kurt**: Um, well, we got to know one another better and...

**Jack**: -_starts chasing Kurt_- YAHHHH! YE MEAN I'M OUT 'ERE STARVIN' WITH YOU AN' THAT LIL' WEIRDO ALL 'CAUSE YE FORGOT YE CAN DO SOME FREAKY MUMBO JUMBO! I'M GONNA KILL YE!

**Kurt**: -_thinking very quickly-_ Speaking of that mumbo jumbo... _-'ports-_

**Jack**: _-goes on a rampage yelling and screaming like an animal being skinned alive, vowing to have a new velvet blue carpet by sundown-_

With the men gone and nothing to do, Kate curled up and went to sleep. Jack continued his ferocious hunt swearing revenge, Kurt safe in the trees watched Jack with amusement. But the boys forgot one very important thing. They were in the fanfic of a maniacal writer. They were without a female companion. Yes, my friends, they were susceptable to a terrible Mary Sue attack.


	8. Mary Sue Attack

I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! -does the I got reviews dance- The last chappie was really short, I know. But I gots sugar and V for Vendetta in me brain, so the thought machine is a rollin'! THE SUES ARE COMING THE SUES ARE COMING! RUN! Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!

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**Chapter 8: Mary Sue Attack**

Kurt looked down from his safe little bitzy tree. Jack was running around it in a berzerk circle. Those who have seen the Ed, Edd, 'n' Eddy episode where Ed thinks he's a monster know what I'm talkin' 'bout. He quietly hummed the tune to "Louie, Louie" and tapped his tail to the rhythm. Then, with his pointy-Legolas-ear-super-elf-hearing, he heard a sound. It sounded like rain gently pouring on a church bell, letting out a peaceful melody. It was, a voice. Voices. There was laughter that sounded like a choir of harps and lyres of the angels. They were calling his name gently, their voices gently streaming through the jungle. They were also calling Jack's name, who by now had plopped down like a frog. Oh, sweet Lord Almighty, NO!

"JACK! RUN!"

The pirate got up groggily to his feet, "Come 'own 'ere an' fie me lie a mah," he slurred out.

Nightcrawler jumped down, "No, Jack! Don't you get it? MARY-SUES ARE AFTER US!"

That sobered up the world's favorite rum-soaked captain, "WOT!" Jack turned toward the miriad of melodious voices that resoundedly echoed like a symphony played by seraphim.

His eyes widened, "Ye know wot, mate? I fergive ye. LET'S GO!"

Kurt grabbed him and tried to teleport, "Mein Gott, I can't do it!"

Blink, blink, "NOW THAT YE REMEMBER YE CAN DO SOME FREAKY HOODOO YE CAN'T DO IT NO MORE YE FOOL!"

"I don't know what's wrong! I just can't...

"_Oh,_ _Kurt, my_ _love..._"

They turned around to see a mob of women running toward them, several flying on rainbow, kaleidoscopic buterfly wings, the one who had just spoken had long, flowing hair the color of a raven's wing, deep azure eyes of such an entense sadness, all that gazed into their depths broke down in tears, a waist with the approximate width of a toothpick, and breasts bigger than Pamela Anderson, Dolly Parton, and Angelina Jolie's combined. She wasn't finished.

"_Oh, why did you try to get away from me, my beloved? Are you brainwashed? Luckily I have a connection with you that the Oracle allowed to happen that let me stop you from getting away. After all, you fell in love with me because you were so sorry that I was abandoned by my parents at age two and was kept in a cruel orphanage and adopted by a horrible foster family and my biological father raped me but due to my powers I'm still a virgin and when I was 14 I had to sell my self to prostitution and I have a demon inside of me who made me kill my loving foster family and my beloved biological family and that I..._"

"AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kurt screamed and ran away followed by half the mob yelling similar sob stories and who all had long, river-like hair the color of the golden sun, the silvery moon, as red as fire that seemed to actually burn, the sade of a lark, eyes of any color imaginable, even ones no mere mortal could possibly look at without going into awe, burning with such intensity, none could look in them for long, or orbs of perpetual sadness, or bottomless pools of indecipherable emotion, all with skin so moon-like pale (if that's even a term) that the Caribbean sun reflected off them and they shone like stars. The pack of poorly written freaks was followed at the tail by an elf-maid called Selinakinaminawina Neshimeshiweshiseshileshikikiniki with hair the color of the sun that framed her face like a halo, eyes that were pools of emerald, and was the secret daughter of Legolas and Arwen. Wow, how much space did I waste with descriptions of those abominations?

Jack looked at his horde. They looked exactly like Kurt's mob, only with subtle variations. But who can tell the difference between Mary-Sues, anyway? He quickly followed Kurt, " WAIT FER ME! I DON'T TO BE STUCK WITH THESE WENCHES!"

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Kate was drawing pictures of her and Kurt in the sand when she felt it. The presence of her mortal enemies: the Mary Sues. She quickly straightened up and sensed out where they were. Not that she needed to. 

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU WEIRDOS"

"YE STUPID BLUE WRETCH! HELP ME GET THESE DAMN WENCHES AWAY FROM ME!"

In a scene ripped off from Dead Man's Chest, the two marauders ran to the edge of the beach and turned on a dome to Kate. The horde of ultra-perfect, horribly mistreated wackos followed close behind. The boys ran behind Kate like she was a human shield. The Mary Sues were upset.

"_Girl, why are you hiding my husband? Please give him back! Kurt, darling, come to me, Aliliasa, your lover! Jack, I am your fiance and with child! How can you leave me for this wretch!_"

"WHO ARE YE CALLIN' A WRETCH YE DEMON WITCH!"

The Sues ignored her and kept whining to Kurt and Jack, who really couldn't care less about them., for they are evil. Kate rolled her eyes, "Listen, lads, if there's on thing Mary Sues can't handle, its another woman movin' on their man. So yer goin' te 'ave te kiss me."

"WOT!"

"WAS!"

"Ugh! Jus' on the cheek if ye prefer! Jus' te let 'em know ye ain't gonna let 'em take ye!"

The two grimaced and kissed her on the cheek simultaneously. There was a chorus of hideous shrieks and yowls coming from the direction of the Mary Sues. A bright fash of light followed the shrieks. The pirates turned toward the Sues. Half of Kurt's and half of Jack's had vaporized instantly. The rest, all of them the ultra-ultra perfect ones, looked horrified. Kate was a tad angry, and a tad happy that Kurt kissed her on the cheek.

"All right, the kiss thing only worked on 'alf the twerps. Wot do we do about the other 'alf?"

Kurt was worried, how to defeat the worst of the Sues? What would Errol Flynn do? What would Brandon Lee do? What would Chuck Norris do? What would Austin Powers do? What would... wait, Austin Powers! That was it! The Sues were just like the fem-bots!

"JACK! I know how to defeat them! I know how to kill those freaks from H.E.L.L. (Horrible Editing and Literary taLent)!"

Jack looked at him, "'Ow! I'll do anything!"

Kurt whispered what he had to do in his ear, "NO! I AIN'T DOIN' THAT!"

"Sorry, Jack. But I can't do it because I'm underage."

Jack groaned. The blue kid was right. Yes, even the notorious Jack Sparrow has his morals, "Close yer eyes, kids. I don't want ye two tellin' stories 'bout wot you saw."

The underage duo closed their eyes. They just didn't want to see it. No matter how much blackmail they got out of it. Five minutes and 500 exploded Mary Sue heads later, the two opened their eyes to a field of ash and a miffed looking Jack wearing only his pants, spangles, and bandana. He glared at them, "Say a word and I'll kill the both o' ye."

He grabbed his clothes and stalked off. With him gone, Kate went back to her main mission. Trying to get Kurt as a hubby whether he liked it or not.


End file.
